Turning Something Sad into Something Beautiful
by donnaspecter
Summary: -I put myself through hell and I called it love. And it hurts that I cant be what everyone wants or needs me to be and it hurts that I cant be what I want myself to be. Because this, whatever this is, my life, I realized it is just not enough. What we had was just not enough. -Darvey (Donna and Harvey) fanfic. One shot. Donna writing a letter. I hope you enjoy. -A xxx


**Hello :) I absolutely loved the encounter Donna and Paula ( ) had in 5x10 and I decided to write this story- this being the 2nd time they talk.**

 **I wrote this as my dedication to Donna, the most beautiful and strong character that continues to inspire on so many levels. I hope you enjoy this one shot. xxx**

"Donna!" she heard a woman´s voice call from across the hall. In time she turned around on her heel she already knew who it was but had no idea what she was doing here.

"Hi, Donna. Harvey forgot his phone at our session earlier and he has been receiving a lot of calls so I just had to bring it over but couldn't find his secretary. Could you please?" and Paula showed her the phone.

"I don't know if it's a good idea. I am very busy." Donna said, quickly turning around to walk off as tears started forming a glassy cover over her eyes. She has been doing that a lot lately. Just breaking at the mere sound of his voice, the feeling she got at his presence or just the mention of his name. She didn't really know why, it was also out of character for her but something always felt out of place with him- or more correctly without him. "Donna are you okay?" said Paula, lightly touching her arm so Donna turned around.

Usually she was so strong that an earthquake couldn't move her, but something about this woman made her break even further. Maybe it was the fact that she was the only person in this world who at this moment knew Harvey at similar depths as her or maybe it was the fact that this woman didn't really know her like everyone else. She didn't have to be the one to keep it together right now and she didn't have to smile and say something smart, she could just be.

"I don't know." She said sincerely as Paula nodded. "I know its hard" she started "but it really does help to talk you know. You don't always have to be the strongest one in the room, the one left standing"

Donna had a bitter smile on her face, the words hitting her for the first time. "Its just hard. I did this for...I don't know why I did this but It just felt right at that moment but now all I want to do is for him to...you know...and I feel like I keep disappointing myself and there are so many things I want to say but I can´t. I can´t be the one who always asks and explains." Donna said quietly, looking down.

Paula examined her face for a few seconds before she said "Write a letter." And Donna looked up confused. "Just don't send it. Write whatever you are feeling. Then you can do something with it to set you free- maybe burn it or throw it into a river and by doing that you will find clarity, believe me."

"But what good will that do?" Donna asked. "When you write it really try to understand your words. Harvey has told me how you know everyone better than they know themselves and I think its time you get to know yourself on the same level." And she gave her a comforting smile before turning around to leave. "Wait, give me the phone. I will make sure Harvey gets it" said Donna. Paula smiled and gave it to her "Thank you." "No, thank you Paula." And they walked separate ways.

Donna shook her head at the weird encounter and walked to Harveyﾴs office. He wasn't inside and she didn't know if she was disappointed or happy. As she opened the glass door his scent hit her and she swallowed hard. She walked up to his desk and put the phone down. Her hands touched the wood for just a second to long and she felt like she had their story under her fingerprints. She walked to the windows and saw his reflection in one of them but as she shook her head she knew it was just imagination. She scanned the whole room with her eyes, loving every single detail about it like she did the first time she walked inside of it, still planning their exciting future at this firm that turned out to be their home for so many years. She left the office with a strange feeling in her stomach, every time still turning around as she walked past the cubicle to see if this all wasn't some dream she desperately wanted to wake up from.

She decided to write the letter that day, not after she left his office but after she saw him from the other side of the corridor. How she still recognized every line on his face from so far away, how she knew exactly that he won a case and how stupid she felt knowing all those things. As she got home the darkness of the place hit her, she showered and sat down on the sofa with a piece of paper in her hands and a pen. Staring into that blank page she thought there was no better way to show how she felt than with this but there was so much she wanted to say but couldn't- so she did what she was told to do, she wrote.

 _I always needed a purpose for everything I have done in my life and this might be the first time I do something like this, after him, without any purpose but just because I felt like doing it, because I have to._

 _The day after I left him and admitted to myself what those 12 years were I went to a bar. I wanted to be alone, to figure out my thoughts and to get drunk. After maybe my 3rd glass a guy approached me, he was wearing a suit and I almost lost It then and there. I basically cried into his shoulder for 5minutes- to a guy I barely knew and would normally laugh at with my one liner and send him off into a sunset because I was too good for him. But he listened that night and I felt better and he again- listened at dinner the next day and a week after that. It felt totally weird and I didn't know much about him except that his name was Mitchell but the fact that he nodded every time I told him about Harvey, that he didn't judge me or look disappointed at the fact that I am not some shiny, perfect person whose life always goes the way I want it to was enough for me._

 _We went out on a few dates and after a while we started talking about other things also- just random things you are supposed to talk about on a real first date. I don't even know up until this day why I agreed to go on so many dates with him-maybe because that gave me comfort and a proof that my life was not all about Harvey or because he truly was nice to talk to but the second I saw he was getting more and more invested in this weirdly functioning relationship I broke it off._

 _He asked me "why?" and I just wished him good luck and walked off. Because if there is one thing I have learned is that sometimes you shouldn't answer that question. The truth is I didn't know why. I just had to. I think it was because dating made me feel like it was all over between me and Harvey. And when its all over, it all just comes back in flashes. It is like a kaleidoscope of memories and I didn't want it all coming back. I wanted it buried deep down inside of me like it was for so long before._

 _That night after I came home I started thinking that a part of me always knew- from the second I saw him that this would happen in the end- that this would be some sort of tragedy. It wasn't really something he said- although he didn't say much in this past 12 years anyway... It was not anything he did either. It was that weird feeling I had, that something that came along with knowing him. And the worst thing is that I also knew I will never feel like that again, not with anyone but him. I knew his world moved in a different direction than mine and I also knew that it moved to fast for me to be the most important part of it (although he always said I was) but I just thought that it can´t be a tragedy being pulled towards someone who looks so much like something heavenly and beautiful. Maybe he knew that when he saw me also._

 _Maybe he knew that it was good to have me around because I lost my balance at his presence. I always thought working for him was the right thing to do on so many levels- it was the safest options, it was a sure way to live a nice life and that's what I have always wanted- ever since my dad gave me the taste of what life without stability looks like but now I know it wasn't. It was the riskiest of all options because not only I lost him at the end, somewhere along the way I almost lost myself._

 _But I never stopped loving him. I just decided to stop showing him because no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't get it. I started telling him to love other people, I started telling him about my dates and I started letting other people in because at the end of the day what else was I supposed to do? But I don't blame him for any of it, maybe just a little but there were always two of us playing this game. Thinking that we have all the time in the world, that the last time is never actually the last time. We always thought there will be more. We thought we had forever but we didn't._

 _I put myself through hell and I called it love. And it hurts that I can´t be what everyone wants or needs me to be and it hurts that I cant be what I want myself to be. Because this, whatever this is, my life, I realized it is just not enough. What we had was just not enough. And to be honest I am just so damn tired of this show._

 _I am not that woman. I don't always like wearing heels that make me 10cm taller. I don't always like wearing dresses that make it harder for me to breath and I don't always like being the one everyone goes to help for. Who do I ask for help? Him. But the truth is the most help I ever needed he was the reason for._

 _But today I decided I want change, like I did that day. That day my mind was dark, the trees were sad and all the butterflies in my stomach I had at the sight of him, broke their wings, after so many years of flying around. That day it hit me so much harder than I ever thought it would. But today It feels different, today it feels like I am actually doing it all for myself._

 _I ran away that day to make him realize he in fact didn't want a life without me, but today I will go back because I know I don't want a life without him. Even tho I myself believe we are a tragedy, our book isn't finished._

 _We still have many pages to add and what better way to do it than to turn something sad into something beautiful?_

She wrote the last word at midnight. She put the pen down. She finished the glass of wine. After that she looked around and saw the world, finally. As she was putting on her coat she heard the doorbell ring. Her heart sank in her chest as she heard it. "Donna, please open the door." His voice.

She opened the door and silence. Just silence. He didn't bother saying anything, which to her surprise wasn't all he did. He kissed her, so many times she lost her balance- now literally. It was all a blur that night- of promises made with kisses and broken hearts finally put back together. And this couldn't have been a better finish to her letter. Because that night they turned something tragic into something beautiful, just like she said. And she never burned that letter, or threw it into the water, like she was told to do. She folded it the next morning and put it into a box because maybe she will need to read it again one day.

She knew that there will still be times ahead when he will hurt her and she will hurt him. But now, after what they both felt last night, she also knew they will come back to each other. She accepted the risk because he is worth it. Because he loves her, and because they are not going anywhere- not like they ever truly did before.

 **Thanks for reading this and don't forget to review! Ly all**

 **-A xxx**


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